After sharing nearly 10 years together, certain rituals have developed that are now a springtime certainty like a panicky attachment of a sump pump hose or being the first guy in the neighborhood to mow the lawn.
Spring cleaning.
It starts with me making a wisecrack like ‘it looks like a gang of chimpanzees have been living here’ or ‘this house smells like old man, and I know it’s not me’ or ‘do you really need seven wire whisks and a 1 quart ladle in the tool bin by the stove?’
The last snarky comment is not received warmly, since my only function in regard to the stove is to windex it on a regular basis.
Ricky never met a houseplant he did not want to adopt and make part of our family; a grocery bag that did not have a future somewhere; or an unopened trade journal that would be his savior from boredom on some slow progressing flight somehwere.
At one point I owned and lived in 3 different homes in 1 year. I live by the mantra ‘when in doubt, throw it out.’
Hence the conflict.
A few years ago I learned how to overcome this disparity. When Ricky’s really busy or out of town, I begin smuggling things out of the house unbeknownst (supposedly) to him.
It starts with underwear. As I sort laundry, anything with a hole or elastic that has exceeded its useful life goes in the trash, never to reappear upstairs again. Same with socks. Those two are super easy.
Where the real challenge lies is in the aforementioned kitchen. As I said, my role is to sit at the counter, drink martinis and encourage/criticize whatever gastronomic project Ricky has going.
That being said, I truly see no need for 32 plastic containers, 13 of which have no matching lid; to remain living in our home. Nor do I see the need for 4 spring form pans to fall out of the cabinet where I keep my espresso every morning because Ricky made a show-stopping cake 4 months ago.
A 1 gallon jug living under the sink that contains 3 tablespoons of oil left over from a deep-fried appetizer isn’t necessary. Nor are the 9 bottles of dish washing liquid residing there since someone’s brain was stuck on ‘pick up dishwashing liquid’ every time he went to the store for about 4 months. Neither are the 400 grocery bags that spring out of the cabinet like dime store magic trick snakes popping out of a can.
Hence the smuggling.
What oil fits, goes into an existing normal bottle in the cabinet. One tablespoon of oil left goes down the drain and the jug in the recycling. The spring form pans go to the basement. The dishwashing liquid gets dropped at a charitable residence facility and the gazillion grocery bags get wadded into the bottom of a tall kitchen garbage bag and topped off with normal household trash so Ricky doesn’t spot them.
The stack of unwrapped trade journals slip out with the recycling one by one by one for a few weeks. The ugly shirts or ill-fitting pants make their way to the thrift store; the old floor lamp that makes a zzzztttt sound when you turn it on mysteriously disappears right before the garbage truck appears.
And the three dozen plastic containers with no mates appear to be arranged especially neat, not because they’re neat, but because half their ranks have been tossed.
This spring there has been a slight change to the ritual. Ricky’s on to my game and figured out not only what I’m up to, but how to leverage it to his advantage.
Remember the houseplant adoption issue mentioned earlier? Every now and then an orchid appears on the dining room table in spectacular bloom. Ricky has what I thought were 4 or 5 orchids and a dozen or so plants hiding behind the sofa in front of the glass doors in the sunroom. (Great spot for plants to hide and get some sunshine) They’d appear and take center stage when in bloom then go away and not come out until they were ready to be pretty again.
This week I took a peek behind there and found no less that 12 orchids in various states of death along with assorted vin-y things, some globby cactus-like creepy things and some mildew.
Apparently Ricky has figured out my smuggling trick. He just does it in reverse.
Today’s Gay Agenda: Hope your spring cleaning is all it can be. Greener lawns and cleaner cars a right around the corner.
