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  • Summer dress code

    2011 - 05.28

    A fellow blogger posted about the ridiculous age limits suggested for women in regard to when they must stop wearing things like short skirts and stilettos. With the exceptions of tube tops, there is no apparel silhouette that is necessarily off limits due to age. Pattern or color, yes; hem or heel height? Absolutely not.

    But what about guys and their summer wardrobes?

    Here we go, starting at the top:

    Remember, your hair has thinned. A cap is probably needed as well as the best invention ever, spray-on sunblock. It will keep your scalp from burning without ruining your ‘do.

    MN has a pending constitutional amendment regarding highligting men’s hair. I think in keeping with the state’s backward position on other pending amendments, this one would REQUIRE all men to get home highlights done by their drunken next door neighbor after she’s had a fight with her cheating husband. DON’T DO IT! Letting Tammy Sue put a bag over your head and stab you with a sharp hook while she cries about LeRoy and Vanessa getting in on the back of her new Dodge caravan will not turn out well. Say bye-lights to hi-lights. Now.

    All deforestation is bad except as related to male body hair: if you’re showing off too much back and arm hair; get out the hedge clippers and take it down a notch. Consider waxing.

    You must have muscles to wear a muscle shirt. Same with wife-beaters.

    Shirts with waistbands to not make you look trim. HOWEVER, shirts with slightly shorter sleeves and tight arm bands make you look like you have shoulders for days and major pipe. AB Fitch does these super well. Be careful.

    Unless you’re a body builder, no shorts that show the knee.

    If your legs are thinner than your arms, no shorts ever.

    Any sock covering the ankle can only be worn with long pants. Do I have to say anything about black socks and shorts?

    Nothing says hillbilly like socks and sandals. Get out the hoof trimmer and get those unsightly toenails shaped up. If you’re suffering hideous foot fungus, no sandals for you, period. Sneakers and ankle socks only.

    Today’s Gay Agenda: All this talk about summer wardrobes calls for a trip to the mall.

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    4 Responses to “Summer dress code”

    1. Avatar of Katydid Katydid says:

      On the topic of deforestation, please don’t forget ‘nose hair’. Even though it doesn’t really fall under the ‘seasonal’ catagory, one can never mention it too much. (LOL..personal pet peeve of mine) ;)

    2. Melissa says:

      My mom was just telling me that one of her co-workers said at her age, shorts were not appropriate. She is 57 and has must better legs than her 39 year old daughter. She should show them off in her casket if they still look good. :)

    3. Yay! Thank you for your insights! Another “deforestation” item: eyebrows. The barber can take care of them if he’s knowledgeable. No reason for anyone to have Andy Rooney eyebrows. (And for the older guys — ears. Yeah, I don’t know where it comes from, but hairs from the ears can be unsightly as well.)

    4. Avatar of Mac Mac says:

      One of the worst things about growing older as a guy is that the thickest, glossiest most luxurious hair only grows in our ears, our nose, eyebrows and back. Tragic.

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