Of the countless benefits I enjoy sharing life with Ricky, one of my favorite is that he’s a brilliant combination of healthy/gourmet cook and I eat incredibly well.
Once in a while however, I get a craving for something from my pre-Ricky, gotta feed myself life.
It happened yesterday. I absolutely, positively HAD to have . . . . La Choy Chicken Chow Mien for lunch.
Being fully aware this is a nutritional and gastronomic crime against humanity, I went to a grocery store far from our neighborhood to make the offending purchase.
Yup, they still make it. Still in the same blue cans taped together. Had to be careful to not accidentally buy the ‘beef’ one, since everyone knows the beef tastes like salty brown goop. There was also a sweet and sour chicken product that had been introduced in the 10 years since I’d purchased the product.
So, I buy the stuff and a package of “Fun Dog” hot dogs (which must be hidden in the back of the fridge) and headed home to have lunch before Ricky got back.
First thing I did was decide it was ludicrous to untape the cans, so I opened the small one and dumped it into Ricky’s $100 sauce pan.
And realized I mistakenly purchased some gross looking sweet & sour chicken product, rather than the craved chicken chow mien like product.
Then I opened the bottom of the other can and realized I hadn’t read the directions so basically had to stand on my head in the sink to read the directions upside down.
Being a nervous wreck, I slipped and dumped about 1/4 of the product along the side of Ricky’s $100 sauce pan onto his gleaming stainless steel dual fuel range, which immediately caught fire. Probably due to the high sugar/preservative content of the pseudo sweet & sour sauce.
All this commotion slowed down the preparation time. So much that Ricky walked in the door just as I was serving up the slop.
“WHAT are you EATING?” he inquired with incredulous shock in his voice, which had suddenly risen a couple octaves.
I explained the thought process, mumbled an apology, ate the slop and started scraping crystallized brunt crud off the stove.
Ricky fixed himself a lovely salad complete with cherry tomatoes off the patio tomato on the back deck.
Today’s Gay Agenda: Be thankful the craving for food from my poor white trash days only happens about every six months or so.