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  • Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?

    2014 - 02.02

    This is from a few years ago, but still relevant.

    Some signs your upcoming dinner party is for sure going to go bad:

    • Ricky decides to try cooking “Moroccan”. Not sure what Moroccan food is, but pretty sure the house will smell like a camel.
    • Ricky says “Cous-Cous” no less than 800 times in the days before the dinner. “Did you know cous-cous is a pasta? It is you know. I bet you thought cous-cous was a grain, but it’s not.  Cous-cous is a pasta. I bought fine cous-cous. Did you know cous-cous comes in different textures? It does you know. Some people like the medium textured cous-cous, but I think the fine is better. I should make cous-cous more often. Do you like cous-cous?” I’D LIKE IT IF YOU’D STOP SAYING COUS-COUS!
    • The inch thick dust on your scented candles catches fire when you light the candles.
    • You reposition the stemware on the always-set, ready-for-a-dinner-party-at-the-drop-of-a-hat dining room table and the dust rings left behind look like alien crop circles.
    • Decide it’s too much work to un-set the table and feather dust the black table cloth, leaving the settings in place.
    • Remove all the settings and shake out said black table cloth. Realize only a homo would have a black table cloth.
    • Sniffer does  a dog-thing and eats something untoward. Sniffer is now Barfy. Growls at everyone, won’t let you pick him up nor brush him.  Expect the ASPCA to knock at the door any moment to take the vomitting, growling, smelly, matted haired dog away.

    Signs your dinner party might turn out okay after all:

    • The house smells really good, even though you mistakenly sprayed “Raid” before realizing it wasn’t “Febreeze.”
    • Sniffer’s new bi-polar condition renders him scared of people and he hides rather than bouncing and barfing all over them the first 30 minutes they’re here.
    • Your guest Sondra is truly amazed to learn that cous-cous is in fact a pasta, not a grain.
    • Your guests love the stemware, and are duly impressed that you used no less than TWENTY EIGHT plates to serve dinner. Okay if you’re having a dozen people over, a bit excessive when it’s only an other couple.
    • It’s 11:00 p.m., there’s 3 empty wine bottles on the table, and your guests are just now rising to leave, thanking you for a wonderful evening.

    Today’s Gay Agenda: Remember straight people think any party a homo throws is fabulous. Try learn to lighten up.

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