Fall Fashion 2

It seems men have had such an unfair advantage over women for so long, it’s only reasonable that every once in a while nature tries to shift things just a little.

A woman that adds 30 pounds generally gets curvier and sexier all around. A man that adds 30 pounds adds it in only one spot.

His gut.

To add insult to injury, at about age 30 even if our weight doesn’t change, body mass goes on a road trip. Mass from our chest and shoulders slides on south to our gut.  Mass from our butts and legs moves north to our gut. And since that seems to be the place to be, any pounds that sign on join their friends in the gut.

For that reason, there’s probably no more critical piece of clothing than a man’s shirt.

Here’s some pointers:

  • Vertical stripes are your friend. Anything that moves the eye up and down is good.
  • Horizontal stripes are a mine-field. So are plaids. If you’re going to wear horizontal stripes, look for ones that are wider at the shoulder and get narrower as they move down. With plaids, smaller is better.
  • V-neck sweaters are miracle workers.They widen out the shoulders. Avoid horizontal stripe sweaters like you would a preachy spinster aunt at a family reunion. Likewise with bulky knits. The perfect sweater would be a v-neck in a dark-ish color with a light horizontal stripe going across the shoulder and a little bit darker horizontal stripe along the top of the chest and a little darker yet horizontal  stripe right on the chest.
  • Here’s the most critical part: the waist line. If you have any shirts with a 3″ stretchy band at the bottom, burn them. No charity donation, no give them to a friend. They must be destroyed. Unless you are 6’2″ and weigh 130 pounds you will look fat.
  • If you’re trim, buy slim cut or modern fit so it doesn’t look like you’re trying to pack a parachute into your pants. If you have a gut, make sure the cut is full enough so the buttons don’t pull.
  • Unless you’re slim and trim, or on a beach somewhere, be very careful of untucked shirts. Generally speaking a knit shirt is meant to be untucked, however a woven is almost always made to be tucked in. An untucked shirt breezily draped over a giant gut does not hide the giant gut. It makes you look like a bowling ball in a dress.

Today’s Gay Agenda:  Coming up: Say no to crack. Pant pitfalls. (bonus points to those who caught the double meaning of ‘coming up’)

7 thoughts on “Fall Fashion 2”

  1. So true. In fact any collar that doesn’t law flat on your shoulder tends to look good.

    Not to be confused with ‘popping your collar’ that we all did in the 80’s. Ewww.

    1. Sure! Think of sweatshirts, polos and of course sweaters. Those would be examples of knits.

      Think of the fabric used in men’s dress shirts . . . that would be an example of woves, which is used in way more than just dress shirts.

      If it’s stretchy it’s probably a knit. If not, it’s more than likely woven, unless they slipped some lycra in there.

  2. Oh, here’s some apparel trivia for you:

    Spandex is a reformulation of the word ‘expands’

    Appropriate, dontcha think?

  3. Wow, scanned less than half of this and I feel like puking. You really are what you sound like. Any port in a storm mac, don’t you have any other hobbies? Try reading the help wanted ads in the San Francisco Chronicle. No really, all joking aside, maybe you can find a new career where you’d be wanted.

    1. I do quite well in my existing carreer Opie, thanks for your concern.

      I wish I had some idea of what’s driving all the hate and frustration you demonstrate on every comment you make on every discussion board.

      And I do maintain you probably have something of value to add, if you could just somehow knock that boulder off your shoulder and demonstrate some civilizzed behavior.

      Yeah, and there’s monkeys flying through my back yard right now.

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