Reality of Domestic Violence

Often when I’m snarking about fundies and their obsession with homosexuality, I suggest they focus their attention on real threats to marriage and families, such as domestic violence.

Today’s Forum carries a column about the realities of domestic violence in our community and the need for additional support services and funding to help these women and children.

Why am I talking about such a serious topic that doesn’t affect me?

A few weeks ago there was a story of two women who shared life, a home and child that talked about some of the challenges of being a same-gender couple.

The Forum comment boards all but blew off computer screens across the region with impassioned comments of people outraged at the horrific life these women were imposing on their son, along with plenty of ‘shut-up-and-mind-your-own-business’ disrespectful wisecracks from guys like me.

Where am I going with this?

Today our local newspaper carried a story about dozens of local women and children in Fargo-Moorhead who cannot return to their homes for fear of being beaten or killed by the man in their house.

Will the Dick’s and Obie’s of the world go over to the “Y” this afternoon and give a hand to real women in real trouble? Or will they sit behind their computer screen at their kitchen counter and look for another newspaper who has on-line commentary capabilities so they can direct others as to how to live correct lives that do not exceed their standards of excusable sin?

I’m pretty sure they won’t be googling any Bible verses to support ‘stop beating your wife’.

Today’s Gay Agenda: Men like Ricky and Brad are not threats to American Families and Marriage. Men who beat their wives and children are.

19 thoughts on “Reality of Domestic Violence”

  1. Recently, one of my friends, a beautiful woman with beautiful children and the picture-perfect marriage (or so I thought) moved into the shelter with those children because her husband had finally gone far enough to land in jail. She’s still not ready to talk about what happened.

    I come from a small town where it’s considered shameful to leave an abuser. You’re supposed to keep your “family business” private and accept getting hit from time to time as a part of marriage.

    The values were made crystal clear when the petition to ban gay marriage was being circulated. I was asked to sign by a woman whose husband had been publicly cheating on her for years, and given her a shiner more than once. If even the victims of abuse are willing to try to help take away the rights of others…

  2. Barb, I went back and forth as whether to post this because it seemed like I was leveraging someone else’s tragedy to forward my cause.

    Do you think there’s groups of people who would rather focus on some foolishness like 50 year homos living in south Fargo rather than things like domestic violence, unwantedhungry children, financial melt-downs, government spending out of control and so forth?

    I get the idea that people gotta hate someone. Ricky and I are quite capable of taking care of ourselves. Hate us all you want. We’re livin’ the dream. We don’t care.

    What I don’t understand is people who invest so much time in doing God’s work of protecting families by standing in my front yard with a sign saying we’re going to hell, while the wife next door has a shiner and hungry kids ’cause her husband came home drunk after spending Friday’s paycheck at the corner bar and then beating the crap out of her.

    (drawing a picture here folks. Ricky and I live in Mayberry where the only ire we inspire is our excessively green lawn and blindingly clean cars)

    1. Well squirrel, I’ve done volunteer work three times at the Y and have donated more than my share monetarily. So put that in your queer pipe and smoke it. You still refuse to recognize that good people exist in this world who are loving and caring and still think you and your forum are disgusting. I thinks your ego grew ten times larger than the Grinch’s heart. I also think when you push your fetishes on the general public you are responsible for more violent acts on others than you could ever imagine. Some people have simply had enough of your group’s demoralizing of our society and are willing to make a stand when you push too far.

      1. Opie, I bet your charming mannerisms are a delight to people in crisis situations. I suggest sending a check and keeping your hateful ass at home.

        1. Hey, just because you can’t face the fact that the majority of the world can’t stand your group and do not recognize your phony play house marriages isn’t my problem.

    2. I’ll go one farther and say I think some people hate so hard so they don’t have to look in a mirror.

      Look how many legislators devote themselves to legislating a morality that doesn’t match their own when it comes to homosexuality… I wonder how many Senator’s wives “walk into a lot of doors” while funding for DV programs is cut?

  3. I remain amazed at the tacit acceptance than remains in some corners of society in regard to DV. Violence is violence…indeed, violence at the hands of someone who alleges to care about you is the most damaging of all as it does more than hurt your body – it slowly kills your soul.

    I know of what I speak. I have experienced such a relationship – many, many moons ago. I was very fortunate to get out early with minimal damage to my body and soul.

    DV is not only a function of man on woman violence – it happens in all types of couples and can be generated by both genders. The point is – across the board – is that violence against another person is unacceptable. I too wish that folks would spend more time worrying about those who hurt others than about those who choose different lifestyles than they do.

    DV is insidious in the way it permeates a person’s life, relationships with others, workplace safety and children’s upbringing. The damage is so much greater than a black eye or some broken bones. It threatens the fabric of society – the very essence of what it means to respect and value life.

    1. Ms C., as always great perspective. I think I’ll quote you on ‘when we’ve taken care of all the people who hurt each other, we can start worrying about the people who love each other’.

      1. @Ms. C and Mac: Couldn’t be said better! How did these two situations ever get so twisted around and upside-downed anyhow?

  4. Mac, there are plenty of Bible verses and stories that tell the reader that beating one’s spouse is wrong (e.g., “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church”–Eph. 5:22). People in the conservative (not “evangelical,” as I said awhile back) Christian church choose to ignore these in favor of other matters that are pressing on their “hearts” (but really, their fears). Domestic violence is not a priority because they believe that it happens “not in my church.”

    Mainline liberal Christians tend to be more compassionate and sympathetic toward the plight of victims of domestic violence. In many places it is still considered to be shameful. Rural domestic violence victims often suffer in silence because they don’t feel like they have anywhere to go in such small communities, and gossip sometimes makes their position even more untenable.

  5. According to Lambda Legal, violence in same-sex relationships happens at the same rate as that for heterosexual couples.

    Yes, domestic violence is more a threat to “the sanctity of marriage” than full marriage equality could ever be. The causes are many; patriarchy, the need to dominate and control someone, alcohol abuse, economic and social stress, a culture that treats violence in a relationship differently than stranger violence, and on, and on, and on.

    I wish I could identify one cause and then focus on its elimination. But it’s not that simple. But I do know one thing;

    At the core of domestic violence is the same cancer that underlies homophobia; an inability to empathize with “the other”– those “different” people who make our world such a fascinatingly rich place to be.

    1. The Stig, now that you mention it, I seem to recall reading something to that effect. As I recall those in same gender relationships were even less likely to seek help from outside than those in opposite gender relationship. I like Ms C’s comment above that we should worry about people who hurt each other before we start worrying about people who love each other.

      IMO, there’s also HUGE control issues with hate/violence as well. I maintain there’s individuals (right here on TGA in fact) who feel impotent in their lives so they lash out at those they see as weak or inferior as a way to elevate their self worth or demonstrate they have control of something.

      1. Agreed. It’s more about control and perpetuating the violence they have seen firsthand (likely experienced), and have used as a tool to control others. If we work on identifying with others more, and helping others do so, we’ll get closer to the better path.

  6. For a while during my life I lived down south, in a small rural area. It was an area of the country where I was forever an outsider, where people having darker skin colors didn’t walk the street at night, and the authorities when responding to domestic violence calls told one of my employees ‘to quit pissing her ole’ man off and she wouldn’t get beat’.

    I paid for that woman to move to Dallas and paid her first three months rent and expenses while she got set up in a new life. I was threatened by her husband demanding to know where his wife was, got beaten to a pulp because I chose to interfere in his life. I watched in dismay as the local authorities covered up what had happened and refused to press charges because ‘he was drunk in not in control of his full faculties’.

    Domestic violence is a far worse problem in this world then two people who love each other.

      1. My life has taken many strange paths over the years. But in this instance it was to reminiscent of my upbringing and the conditions in which my own family lived. It is also why I fight so hard for people to be able to have the ability to make choices in their life and have those choices available to them.

        Once we start restricting freedom and become exclusive vs inclusive we are no better than the countries in which we help fight for their citizens to have freedom.

  7. Domestic Violence also happens in the Gay Community… young male cousin got beat up and put in the hospital by his boyfriend…..

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