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  • Beauty and the Beast

    2010 - 12.16

    You’ve probably all figured out that despite the fact we’re both guys, Ricky and I are very different. There’s no question that we have most of the important things in common, however there are certain things where we’re as different as night and day.

    One of those regards our beauty routine. Let me explain:

    Ricky has the most beautiful silver hair I have ever seen. Not gray, not white, not yellow-y gray—a perfect gleaming silver. He occasionally uses some gel to keep it in place when he hasn’t had time to get a hair cut for a while.

    I buy hair-spray in 55 gallon drums and have a system set up like a reverse central vac hooked up to an air compressor where a drum is dropped in the garage and the pressurized contents is piped to the upstairs master-bath and dispensed with a mini car-wash like spray nozzle.

    My hair requires exceptionally careful brush and spray, brush and spray to minimize the appearance of gleaming scalp.

    Ricky’s hair always looks better than mine.

    Ricky has the smoothest, most beautiful skin in the world. He smears on a little Nivea in the morning before he leaves.

    I am a sucker for every new anti-wrinkle beauty product out there. I won’t flinch at spending $125 for 1/2 ounce for an antiwrinkle treatment that contains “jojoba extract of vermin t-cell DNA hydroxynucleic stem cell polypeptide oxymoron regenerist complex.”

    Ricky always has a youthful healthy glow, belying his very advanced age.

    I require a fake-bake at the local tanning salon about this time of year to keep me from being mistaken for a “Night of the Living Dead” character.

    Ricky’s smile is so bright he could guide a plane in for a midnight landing at Hector Field.

    I require at least weekly tooth bleaching to keep my smile from looking the shade of yellow floor wax build up in the corner of 60 year old asbestos laden linoleum. And that’s even after I quit smoking.

    Today’s Gay Agenda: Be glad this is the one area where Ricky is low maintenance. We couldn’t afford two like me for so many reasons.

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